I’m not going to lie, this week’s Art Experience kind of caught me off guard and made me a little bit uncomfortable because of my own insecurities, however, I was surprised that I have actually already done something similar on my own before this haha.
I’m not really someone, or have ever felt the need to be someone, who publicly expresses their long term goals with anyone. I’m EXTREMELY open when it comes to pretty much anything, from my struggles with my health or loss of family members in my life, as well as any other tragic event, however, my dreams have always been something that I have a hard time talking to people about because for some reason, I feel like they are the most personal thing to me and they are so precious that I almost don’t want anyone to “touch” them; I’m not sure if this is true but I have always believed that everyone always holds something deep in their hearts that they won’t let others touch due to their intimate nature, whatever that is, and I feel like this is one of them.
I think a couple other reasons why I have never wanted to share my dreams is because 1. I have a fear/superstition that saying them out loud will “jinx” them and cause them not to come true, 2. if I share them too early, or change my mind, I would feel ashamed to have to explain to others why I didn’t accomplish them and feel like a failure and 3. I have tried really hard to disconnect and disassociate myself from material things or things that shouldn’t matter and just focus on ONE ultimate dream which is to be happy, that I almost feel like it is wrong and feel guilty for dreaming about something other than that – even if what I dream about will lead me to happiness. I never judge or look down upon anyone for dreaming about anything material or a future position / career but for some reason, I always feel like I need to apologize for wanting the things that I want, even though the things that I want happen to not be bad such as certain internships, a husband, etc.
That’s not to say that happiness is not the most important thing, in fact, it’s the opposite because that’s what really matters in the end but I feel like by following the whole rule of making sure you say “the thing to say” (aka. saying that you just want to be happy in the end) it has the drawback of making you feel remorseful for wishing for anything other than that…if that makes any sense at all… which I’m sure it probably doesn’t haha! I know that there are some people who believe that putting your dreams out into the world publicly causes them to come true and I wish I was one of those people, so that’s something that I have been trying to apply to my own life: allowing myself to have dreams and not feel guilty.
Despite being afraid of dreaming too big or expressing my dreams, this is something that I think about a lot actually, and constantly refer back to 4 notecards I made during my time earlier this year in the hospital where I wrote down all of my dreams and have hanging up on my ceiling so that I look at them every night.
- dreams to be fulfilled in my 4 years of college
-academically (maintain at least a 3.5 GPA)
-“major/ career” wise (intern at “x” company)
2. long term dreams I have within my career
3. a bucket list / long term dreams I have within my life
I feel like being in the hospital was a really big wake up call for me since it made me focus on what’s really important. Since I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get to live past 40 or 50 due to my condition, its been keeping me super motivated because it made me realize that I don’t have time to waste and should just start doing the things that I’ve been putting off; I have begun to do this because, you know how people always say that “your life flashes before your eyes right when you are about to die”, I don’t want to be one of those people who, God forbid, gets hit by a car one day or is about to take their last breath and stares at an empty life flashing before them; I don’t want to wake up one last time and realize that I have no memories. I think the biggest fear that I have as a Freshman is that I’ll one day wake up as a senior and realize that I was not proactive enough and wasted my youth and college experience doing the things I shouldn’t have.
Fueled by my belief that I don’t think you should ever lose sight of your dreams, and should keep reminding yourself of what’s important, I always make notes and add and drop things from those lists when my priorities change.
Due to this new mind set, I definitely have a lot of things on my plate but I have also now realized that attention and emotional investment is a currency; people earn it, spend it, and lose it so invest wisely. Anyways, without further ado (sorry for the super long post) here are my dreams for the future [WARNING: I DREAM BIG 🙂 ] :